If Hearts had any sort of PR sense at all, you'd think that someone would have, by now, claimed that the latest barmy statement from their owner Vladimir Romanov was lost in translation.
We're used to, at least a few times a year, some bizarre comments from the Lithuanian about how the Old Firm, referees, the SFA, the mafia, and pretty much everyone except Richard Nixon being out to get him. Hearts are already facing a £100,000 fine for having yet another shocker of a disciplinary record this year - and Romanov is about to be yanked in front of the SFA (again) for slagging them off about it.
But Friday's statement, published on the club website, plumbed new depths in terms of indignity, indecency and, well, pure madness. Here are some choice quotes for you...
"For almost seven years now we have been fighting to shield the club from crooks, criminals and thieves. Many of the top players at the club have felt the bitter results of the swindles that have been carried out"
"Over a short space of time 4 players at our club have been on the wrong end of the law...it can be presumed that each of these cases is not a coincidence, but the result of targeted actions of a mafia"
"What's happening with the club today is not a new thing. For almost seven years, we have been fighting to shield the club from crooks, criminals and thieves"
"Every year Hearts fights to be in the top three, but even last season in the last 1 games of the season it was almost like someone replaced the team with a different one. Whose fault is that? Players? Manager's? Or it is mafia.
"Stealing players, bad games, problems with the law - all of that on top of record SFA fines. Problems are just shifted to another level.
"Mafia are dragging kids into the crime, in order to blackmail and profit on them. It is not possible to separate these people from paedophiles and you don't need to do that. Each year we are forced to fight these maniacs harder and harder.
"We are standing in their way, not letting them manipulate the game of football in the way they want. As such they undermine us in every possible way they can.
"The task of the club is to tear these kids out of hands of criminals."
This last statement is particularly sickening, coming a few days after Hearts defender Craig Thomson was convicted on two counts of indecent behaviour, where he had had "sexual conversations" with, and sent dodgy photos to, two girls aged 12 and 14. Thomson has been put on the sex offenders' register.
The bizarre claims of "paedophiles" trying to damage Hearts is indecent to the point of inducing nausea in this author's stomach, particularly at a time where Hearts have decided, in the face of rather a lot of criticism, not to sack Thomson.
This decision, of course, is due to a genuine belief that he has been punished by the law for his crimes, and a desire to rehabilitate a troubled young man. What do you mean, he's a talented under-21 international who could potentially command a six-figure sum in a few years? What would that have to do with it? You'd have to be a right cynic to claim such a thing.
Should Thomson have been sacked? I have to admit, it's not a black and white issue...although the Scottish tabloid press appear to be demanding nothing short of a lynch mob for him. Hearts already have two other players I can think of who are awaiting a court date; midfielder Ian Black (formerly a favourite of mine at Inverness) and youngster Robert Ogleby, who last month were charged with possession of cocaine - as indeed was former Scotland striker Garry O'Connor, who has recently returned to Hibernian. The Crown Prosecution Service apparently recommends up to a £5,000 fine +/- a 6 month prison sentence - sounds fairly unlikely they will get a custodian sentence.
But should these guys be sacked if they are found guilty drug offences? You couldn't claim they are a danger to others in the same way Thomson is, but they are supposed to set an example. Certainly, I'd be sacked from my job if I was convicted of such a crime. But another former Inverness player, Richie Hart, was found guilty of cocaine possession a few years back and was kept on at the club.
It's a question of where you draw the line, I guess.
The most infamous footballers-cum-criminals in the UK are probably Lee Hughes, who was a £5million striker before a conviction for Causing Death by Dangerous Driving and spending two and a half years in prison, and Marlon King, who Wigan sacked after he was imprisoned for Sexual Assault and Actual Bodily Harm. They had paid £4million for him in January 2008...by which time he had already been in prison for Receiving Stolen Goods, and twelve other convictions, including two for assaults on women. King has just signed a lucrative contract with Birmingham City.
So, in conclusion? The fact that a convicted sex offender, and other criminals, especially violent ones, continue to draw a substantial wage from football clubs, a wage far beyond that of your Average Joe, leaves a bitter taste in the mouth. But, even if Hearts had done the honourable thing, someone else was bound to swallow their moral objections and stick him on their payroll. But I'll say this; if he worked for Tesco, I doubt he'd have kept his employment...and I doubt his boss would have claimed he was the victim of a conspiracy.
L.
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