So this evening, Rangers announced their latest accounts - a loss of £8 million, and a need for another £8 million just to keep them going. It's ridiculous...but no more ridiculous than most things that have happened since liquidation in 2012. In case anyone has lost track of all the craziness that's being going on down Govan way over the last two and a half years, I thought that this might be a good way of chronicling all the troubles...an A to Z of all the main characters and plot points in this whole sorry saga...which still has some way to go...
B is for...erstwhile finance director Brian Stockbridge, much maligned for his role in the club's share issue and for his steep salary. Or it could be for midfielder Ian Black, who joined the club in the summer of 2012 from Hearts, and has been, for the most part, underwhelming in midfield. In September 2013, he was suspended and fined for gambling on multiple matches over a seven year period, including betting against his own team on occasions.
C is for...the Dallas Cowboys, who in 2012 were, according to Rangers chief exec Charles Green, setting up a partnership agreement with the club. The thing is, no-one had actually told the Dallas Cowboys, who were completely oblivious to this.
D is for...Duff and Phelps, the administrators of Oldco Rangers, whose actions during the process seemed hugely fishy to everyone. Three employees of the firm were arrested this month in connection with "the alleged fraudulent takeover" of the club by Craig Whyte in 2011.
E is for...Sandy and James Easdale, owners of McGill's Bus Services, who are significant shareholders in the club; Sandy, who was imprisoned in 1997 for VAT fraud, is a director, and has not been shy about putting money into the club - including a loan in the summer and taking up the recent opportunity to buy extra shares. Curiously, putting 'Easdales' into the google search bar results in the prompt 'gangsters', but I couldn't possibly comment on that.
F is for...Francisco Sandaza, the Spanish striker signed from St. Johnstone in the summer of 2012. Previously a regular goalscorer in the SPL, he scored a grand total of two goals for the club. He then admitted to a hoax caller (who was posing as an agent) that he was on £4,500/week at Rangers, and that he was only at the club for the money. He never played for them again and was released before the end of the season.
G is for...Charles Green. I simply haven't got time to list all the craziness he was involved in, but thankfully the BBC did so here. How does he sleep at night? Why, in a huge French Chateau that he bought with the proceeds from his time at Ibrox.
H is for...Head of Communications James Traynor, former Daily Record hack and BBC Scotland shock-jockey, who was Rangers' equivalent of the Iraqi Information Minister during his 11 months at the club. His last ever column for the Daily Record remains legendary, for all the wrong reasons, among Scottish football fans.
I is for...IPO or Initial Public Offering, which raised more than £20million in December 2012. Where is the money now? It certainly isn't in the club's bank account. All the money brought in from share issues, investors, gate receipts etc. - more than £60 million total in just over two years - is all gone.
J is for...Jon Daly, the big Irish striker signed in the summer of 2013 from Dundee United. Daly more than doubled his salary in making the move. A decent goalscorer in League One, he has been largely stuck on the bench this season. That's not surprising, considering his knees are so wrecked that he can't train two days in a row. You'd think concerns would have been raised during his medical.
K is for...Kris Boyd, 31, and Kenny Miller, 34, the veteran strikers signed this summer to try and replicate their glory days together from six years ago. The duo, who earn roughly £10,000/week between them, have managed a total of six league goals so far.
L is for...Lewis Macleod, the young midfield player who is the only shining light of the whole saga. To have developed so well in such a shambolic setup reflects on what a talent this kid is. He will go on to much, much better things.
M is for...the manager, Mister Alistair Murdoch McCoist. He hasn't come even close to building a squad which justifies the second highest wage bill in the country. His tactics are archaic and almost unwatchable at times. Yet until recently at least, he was making £800,000 per annum. He's clearly not still in a job because of his competence, so one wonders if it is because he is too expensive to sack.
N is for...nine. That's the number of points that, at the time of writing, Hearts lead the SPFL Championship by. A side consisting mostly of youngsters, augmented by a few canny veterans, operating on a sensible budget, they are everything that Rangers should have been.
O is for...offshore companies like Laxey Partners, the Isle Of Man-based Hedge Fund group who are the club's largest shareholders. Who are they, and what do they want with Rangers? No-one's particularly sure.
P is for...the racial slur, which I won't print, that Charles Green used towards fellow director Imran Ahmad, and which ultimately led to Green's exit. Ahmad went on to sue the club for £500,000 related to bonus payments; the matter was ultimately settled out-of-court after he managed to get some of their assets frozen.
Q is for...Queen of the South. The Dumfries side are just four points behind Rangers in the Championship, despite operating on a relative shoestring. They also won on penalties at Ibrox in the Challenge Cup in 2012. (if you can come up with anything better for 'Q', please let me know!)
R is for...Ramsdens Cup. Rangers have yet to win the tournament for the SPFL's lower division teams, and turned in an abject performance in last season's final, deservedly won in extra time by Raith Rovers. Now badged as the Petrofac Training Cup, they can lift the trophy this year if they can beat Alloa in the semi-final next week and then Livingston in the final. It could also be for Rafat Rizvi, the convicted fraudster wanted by Interpol who met with the club earlier this year.
S is for...Sons of Struth, the fans group named after former Rangers boss Bill Struth. They organize lots of protests and boycotts, and moan to the press a lot. What have they accomplished? Well, the powers that be don't exactly seem to be quivering in their boots, so I'd say not much.
T is for...David Templeton. In August 2012, the Hearts winger scored at Anfield in the Europa League qualifiers. Within a few days, he signed for Rangers for a whopping £700,000. So far, he's scored 25 goals, at the cost of £32,000 per goal. Since the start of last season, he's started just 14 league games. Value for money?
U is for...Dundee United, who appear to be hell-bent on winding Rangers up at every opportunity. Not only have they knocked them out of the Scottish Cup in each of the last two seasons (including last season's semi-final at Ibrox), but they also poached teenage prospect Charlie Telfer when his contract expired in the summer. The clubs are still haggling over a compensation fee, while Telfer proved last week that he is capable of performing in the top flight.
V is for...Vanguard Bears, the infamous supporters group who posted a 'death list' on social media of folk purported to be anti-Rangers, and who were linked to the attacks on Yes supporters in Glasgow's George Square the day after the referendum. Classy bunch.
W is for...Craig Whyte, the supposed self-made billionaire who owned the oldco when it went bust, and who has been hounding the club for money ever since. A warrant was issued for his arrest this month in connection with a fraud investigation, and he was picked up by Mexican police this week. One can only hope that, at the time, he was wearing a sombrero and a fake moustache, and going by the name of 'Miguel Sanchez'.
X is for...the extraordinary wage bill that the club has had - £8 million per season for the last two seasons, with players such as the aforementioned Black, Sandaza and Templeton on salaries of £5,000/week or more. Other signings have included the likes of Emilson Cribari (because everyone knows that you need a veteran Brazilian centre half in order to win the Scottish third division) and Arnold Peralta (because everyone knows that you need a Honduran midfielder in order to win Scottish League One). Meanwhile, veterans Lee McCulloch and Neil Alexander TUPE'd their huge contracts across from the Oldco; as of last December, the latter was considering legal action over money owed. Captain McCulloch is on at least £7,000 per week.
Y is for...the youth setup, which has produced very little in the last two and a bit seasons aside from Macleod and Fraser Aird. In 2012-13, youth team products started a total of 160 league games between them. Last season that total dropped to 67 league games, and this season it stands at 18, with only Aird and Macleod having started a match. No wonder Telfer moved on.
Z is for...zero. That's the number of Scottish Cups, League Cups and Challenge Cups Rangers have won in the last two and a bit seasons. In that time, Aberdeen, St. Johnstone, St. Mirren, Queen of the South and Raith Rovers, all sides operating on much smaller budgets, have won tournaments that Rangers were competing in.
If anyone has some impressive alternatives to my suggestions for each letter, please leave a comment, and I'll add them if they're funny (and not particularly libellous!)
L.
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