Saturday 8th October
It's the big game in Liechtenstein tonight. I've been preparing meticulously for this game, watching video footage of each of the opposing players. The Swiss third division is of very high quality, I'm telling you.
The pre-match press conference was full of the usual stupid questions. "How difficult will this game be for Scotland?" asked one hack. "Of course it will be tough", I replied, scratching my sexy beard, "they have no fewer than six full-time players in their team."
Another moronic journalist (aren't they all?) chimes in with "Did you consider Ross McCormack, the Championship's top scorer who is in top form, for a call up? Or Garry O'Connor, who has ten goals this season with Hibernian?". "What good reason could you possibly give me for picking them?", I retort. All the journalists look puzzled. Quite right too. What a stupid question.
I'd much rather have Craig Mackail-Smith than McCormack or O'Connor. For a start, he clearly hasn't washed his hair in months, so his personal hygiene is on the same level as mine. He doesn't have a sexy beard, though.
Since the captain, Darren, had tonsillitis, I had to sit the squad down and explain my tactical plan for his absence. "Right," I said, "with no Darren I think that we'll have to change from 4-5-1." The players' eyes lit up. "Steven, James, you guys aren't playing as midfielders tonight", I told them to their obvious delight. "You're going to be extra full backs". Steven Naismith smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand, which Peter Houston tells me is a Weegie expression of assent.
Thankfully though, Darren's antibiotics kicked in, and he told me he could play. I was delighted, but admitted I was feeling uneasy about playing the all out attacking 4-5-1 system. "Are you sure we shouldn't go back to 4-6-0?" I asked Darren. "They have SIX full-time players".
Sunday 9th October
That was a hairy experience in Vaduz. Initially the stewards wouldn't even let me into the dugout until Stewart Regan from the SFA came down and explained who I was. "Sorry Craig", Stewart said, "but they thought you were a hobo trying to sneak in."
"Why on earth did they think that?" I asked, stroking my sexy beard. Stewart gave me a long hard look, and then sighed. "I've no idea", he said.
Early in the game I whistled Stevie Naismith to the touchline to pass on some instructions. For some reason, he asked me "Got any Bucky?" before looking embarrassed and muttering "sorry, boss, didn't realise that was you".
We won 1-0 in the end. I know Craig Mackail-Smith scored, but I'm convinced we would have done better without playing a striker. At the end I shouted for Stevie and James to go and play as extra full-backs, but they clearly couldn't hear me over the huge crowd noise. Luckily we hung on.
After the game, Jim Spence from the BBC interviewed me and asked if I felt we should have won by more goals. "Listen," I said, feeling exasperated, "they had SIX full-time players! What do you expect?" He looked puzzled. Quite right too.
Monday 10th October
Journalists keep asking me if I wish I'd done anything different during the qualifying campaign. Of course I do - I completely regret my tactical plan for the game in Prague. The bottom line is that 4-6-0 was the wrong idea - if only I'd played more defenders, we'd have won that game. Easily. As for the return game? If only I'd made Christophe Berra stay behind after training for extra diving practice. It's done the world of good for Stevie Naismith.
People keep whinging about the other games, too. But Lithuania are a great team. Vladimir Romanov wouldn't own and pay all these players if they weren't any good now, would he? So a 0-0 in Kaunas and a 1-0 in Hampden are great results, really. And remember, we wouldn't have won at Hampden if I hadn't been clever and placed everyone behind the ball for the last half hour. Some idiot managers would have still kept attacking, just because their team was on top and a second goal seemed inevitable. Not me, though. I think ahead. So when Lithuania started dominating possession and launching high balls into the box, I already had everyone back defending.
I really should get more credit for these smashing ideas. But I'm confident that the football history books will recognise my achievement of inventing the position of "extra full back". And Guardiola thought the False Nine was clever. But, then, his beard isn't as sexy as mine.
Tuesday 11th October
Darren, the captain, caught up with me ten minutes before kickoff. "Look, boss, we can't play that formation tonight."
"Don't tell me what I can and can't do, Darren", I replied. "This system gives us the best chance for a result. If you don't agree, I'll drop you to the bench".
"But boss," he persisted, "we're not allowed to play a 16-1-0 formation, even if we wanted to".
He's a sharp boy, Darren, even sharper than me. I didn't have time to pick a new lineup. Thankfully Stewart Regan had a copy of our teamsheet from Saturday, so I just handed that in instead.
"Okay," I told the players in the dressing room. "Here's our new plan. We'll sit off them like they have leprosy, and let them get three goals up, and then we'll attack them. They won't be expecting that!" Stevie hit his forehead with the palm of his hand again. So did Phil, James and Craig, which was surprising. I didn't realise they were weegies as well.
Wednesday 12th October
After the game, I heard Darren talking to a few of the other players. "Are we making any progress, do you think?" One said. "Aye," Darren replied. "The last manager had a problem with the booze. Now we have a manager who only looks like he has a problem with the booze." I'm not sure what he meant, but it's reassuring to know that my captain thinks we are making progress.
This morning, I got out of bed and started the weekly trim of my sexy beard. I looked at my reflection in my mirror. "So, Craig," I said to it, "should I have any regrets about the qualifying campaign?".
"Of course you should", my reflection said. "Those tactics in Prague and in Kaunas, those mediocre performances in the games at Hampden. But you know what you should have done differently".
"That's right". I said. "Next time, I'll pick more defenders. Then we'll be all right".
L.
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