Gret a grip! Caley stuff Gretna 4-0

For every goal Caley scored yesterday, I drove eighty miles. Trust me, it was worth it, particularly as our fans goaded the home crowd with "you're just a pub team from England". I have never seen a worse side in the SPL than Gretna are right now. Having gifted us an early penalty, they were a shambles at the back, allowing us to push the ball about the park with no apparent sense of urgency. Whenever we looked like we could be bothered, we created a goalscoring opportunity. It wasn't so much like a knife cutting through butter as a lightsaber through thin air. The "home side" (bearing in mind it was in Motherwell) took 55 minutes to create an opportunity, by which time we had scored twice and missed three chances that could be politely described as "sitters" and less politely as "f****** awful", a description that neatly sums up Marius Niculae in front of goal. The side propping up the SPL resemble a grass snake - no backbone, no lethality, and it seems to the observer no purpose in life either.

In contrast, I was absolutely bricking it when they won promotion. The money constantly donated by their philanthropist, the ponytailed, chain smoking Brooks Mileson was always going to run out sooner later, as are his heart and lungs, but if they strengthened enough over the summer, I saw them doing what Livingston did initially in the top division, and knew that would put Caley at massive risk of being relegated this year.

Of course, the main reason that Gretna waltzed through the divisions was that they lured veteran pros full-time contracts and wages when they weren't forthcoming from top clubs. Think David Bingham, Steve Tosh, Derek Townsley, James Grady. To this they added the best players the part-time clubs in the bottom couple of divisions could offer. The trouble was that the team that won division one, by and large, was the team that won division 3, but the veterans were two years older, and the rest were good lower league players untested at the top level or former Carlisle United reserves.

So this summer, Gretna went out and made up for their deficiencies by signing, um, a bunch of English non-league players, English Championship youth players on loan, a couple of foreign players whose previous clubs were the Spanish and French third divisions, and a solitary "big" name (at least in terms of length), the Uruguayan schemer Fabian Yantorno, who has been their sole shining light in an utterly miserable season. What about all the cash Brooks invested in previous years just so they could stuff Montrose 7-0? I recall reading on the club's forum before the start of the year that fans thought Mileson was unwilling to splash out on the new stadium required for the SPL, an outlay too far at the moment and one that would only be made if they stayed up. Catch 22 - they can't afford the stadium unless the players manage to stay up, but if they buy the players they need to stay up then that uses up the cash for the new ground.

Add to this the fiasco over former manager Rowan Alexander, and it's no wonder things are a mess. Alexander, of course, "temporarily" stepped down for health reasons towards the end of last season, then was told on his return that there was no job for him. In his place is Davie Irons, his erstwhile assistant whose managerial experience consists of, well, the last couple of months of last season, where his side almost blew an astronomical lead over St. Johnstone in the promotion race. Word is that the real power lies with the Director Of Football (a phrase that to a football fan causes the same pallor and feeling of dread as the phrase "Richard Dawkins" does to creationists), Mick Wadsworth. Wadsworth appears to be the poor man's David Pleat, a journeyman manager from the lower English leagues who commands great respect and reputation despite having never actually seeming to achieve anything other than enough P45s to fill a moderately sized cupboard.

So, with the money seemingly having dried up, a coaching team with a lot left to be desired (not least ability) and a team that are more easy to beat than your average leather-clad masochist, where will salvation come from? As far as I can see it, the plan must be to somehow grasp to the coat-tails of the teams just above - Inverness, St. Mirren and Falkirk - and still be just about in touch by the January transfer window. Then, if Brooks relents and finds his wallet to bring in some quality, then survival might just be possible. But with one win from their opening eleven games, a complete lack of team spirit and no obvious reason why either of these scenarios should change soon, it's very difficult to see a Lazarus-type comeback.

And from my point of view, it's just as well.