Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I'm so excited! The World Cup qualifiers start on Saturday, and we've got Serbia at Hampden Park! It's nearly a year since our last competitive match and I've thought of nothing else for months. The fans are going to be totally blown away by what I've got in store for them... ...
that's right - I've got a pair of new glasses! Not just any glasses either - not ordinary spectacles, not sunglasses, but tinted lenses! They're the most amazing thing I've thought of since I invented the "extra-full back" position for the 4-6-0 formation!
One pair of cool glasses plus one sexy beard equals one inspiring football manager! Just seeing me in my glory will totally lift the players to produce a brilliant performance - and when the fans see me on the Big Screen, they're bound to start chanting my name and provide an atmosphere that will intimidate the Serbs into capitulation. It can't possibly fail. I know I'm blowing my own trumpet, but I am, frankly, a genius.
THURSDAY 6TH SEPTEMBER
A lot of the players are missing injured for the Serbia game, which of course makes things a lot easier when it comes to picking the team - fewer balls go in the hat for the Starting Lineup Bingo. Paul Dixon was so chuffed when his number came up, you should have seen his face. I was a bit wary of picking him because he's never played in League One, so I don't know how good he is, but Starting Lineup Bingo has never failed to pick the right team yet. I can't believe that Steven Fletcher once suggested that I should pick players on merit. Idiot. He's not getting back into the squad until he agrees to play bingo like the rest of them.
FRIDAY 7TH SEPTEMBER
I sat down to talk tactics with Peter Houston, my assistant, before the game. I'm really worried because Serbia are absolutely amazing - they are so good that they almost managed to qualify for the European Championships. I really want to play a defensive formation, but I know that those neanderthals in the Tartan Army and the press will slag me off if I play 4-6-0 again. But Peter has a brainwave - "How about we play Kenny Miller up front? It's almost the same as having no centre-forward at all."
The man is a genius. Almost as much of a genius as me.
SATURDAY 8TH SEPTEMBER
I went to give the pre-match team talk - but when I arrived in the dressing room, some jakey from off the streets with straggly, unwashed hair, who hadn't shaved for months and stank of Buckfast, was standing in front of the players, slurring incoherently at them!
"What's going on?!" I exclaimed. "Who's he?"
Peter looked embarrassed. "Sorry, boss, we thought he was you."
"How on earth could you get him mixed up with me?" I asked incredulously, stroking my sexy beard.
Peter looked at me for a few seconds. He sighed. "I don't know, boss", he said.
SUNDAY 9TH SEPTEMBER
What an amazing result yesterday. I couldn't sleep last night for the adrenaline. I just can't believe we held Serbia to a goalless draw at home - after all, they're so amazing that they nearly qualified for the European Championships.
The players seemed unusually subdued afterwards, but I told them not to worry - the jeering from the fans was just a sign of their disappointment at how rubbish Serbia were. I was almost disappointed too - I'd expected them to play some sexy football and put on a show.
Jamie Mackie came to have a quiet word with me that evening - he was a bit disappointed that he'd only been left on the bench. I checked no-one was nearby and then whispered into his ear "Don't worry, I'll make sure your number comes up in the Bingo on Tuesday, because you're my little favourite." After all, as I pointed out to Peter Houston, Mackie runs and runs and runs - and what else could you want from a footballer? It's why Kenny Miller is such an asset to the team.
"Yes," Peter agreed, "Jamie Mackie is certainly trying...in more ways than one." Then he walked off. I've no idea what he meant.
MONDAY 10TH SEPTEMBER
Macedonia tomorrow. I'm absolutely terrified of this one. They are almost as good as Serbia - they even have some players who are talented enough to play in the Macedonian league - so I can't take any chances. So it's got to be Kenny up front again. The media and the fans keep badgering me to pick Jordan Rhodes, but I'm not convinced by his form - he hasn't scored any goals in League One this season.
I've spent ages trying to work out how to deal with Macedonia's star player, Pandev. But inspiration came to me in bed last night - I'm going to play Shaun Maloney in a deep midfield position. I know it seems ridiculous - and that's the whole point. It'll look like such a bizarre move that it'll confuse Pandev and the rest of the Macedonians to the point that they won't be able to concentrate on the game. So by pretending to be stupid, I'll actually be a genius again.
When I announced the decision to the squad, most of the players hit their foreheads with the palm of their hand. Peter keeps telling me this is a Weegie expression of assent, but I must admit I've only ever seen players in our squad doing it.
TUESDAY 11TH SEPTEMBER
The tinted spectacles worked so well against Serbia that I'm going to bust them out again, even though it's an evening game. What could be more stylish than wearing dark glasses at night? And I've got a new secret weapon - a waterproof jacket. With the specs and the jacket, and the sexy beard as well, Macedonia won't stand a chance.
WEDNESDAY 12TH SEPTEMBER
That was an absolutely fantastic result last night, I can't believe we're still undefeated after playing two such difficult opponents. All we need is to pick up draws in our other eight qualifying matches, and we're sure to be on the way to Brazil. Now my attention turns to the next game, in Cardiff. The Welsh will be reeling after that thumping by Serbia, and I'm really afraid that they could give us a real doing. So there's nothing for it - I'll have to reel out the good old 4-6-0 formation again.
Anyway, off into work now. The SFA board called me this morning to discuss a new contract for me! Apparently it's some new thing called a P45? Hopefully I'll get the raise I'll deserve...
L.
1 comment:
Very funny... Weird thing is its probably what he actually thinks...
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