Just how bad are Dundee United?

Dundee United absolutely suck.  They've won two league games so far this season.  They've scored only eight times from open play and only one player (Billy Mckay) has scored for them since August.  They've already used 30 different players this season.  They were pumped in the League Cup by Hibs, who are in the division below.  They suck.

For the last couple of editions of Talking Points, I've been keeping track of just how terrible United's start to the season is - only one team has ever had fewer points after this many games.  For weeks, I've assumed that the turning point is just around the corner, but every Saturday they lose again.  Eight points adrift at the bottom, they are undoubtedly relegation candidates.

And now I've said that, they'll probably win in Inverness on Saturday.  Gah.

But how does this Dundee United team compare to some of the worst in recent history?  Well, here's a summary of the four worst sides in Scotland's top flight since we went to three points for a win...and a few others who had dreadful starts to the season but somehow dragged themselves out of the mire.  Who would have thought that United could have a worse team than one with Jamie Buchan in it?


The Hall of Shame
5th - 2003-04 Partick Thistle
Won 6, drew 8, lost 24, scored 39, conceded 67, 26pts. Relegated with 4 games left

Management duo Gerry Britton and Derek Whyte didn't come close to keeping Thistle up

Remarkably, the Jags nearly managed to stay up, until common sense took over and the SPL agreed to let Inverness be promoted after all.  It would have been a travesty if Partick Thistle had survived, not just in terms of fair play but because they were useless.

It started in the dugout with John Lambie's retirement in the summer of 2003.  His long-time assistant Gerry Collins succeeded him...lasting 13 weeks in which they won no games, picked up only two points out of forty-two, and got knocked out of the League Cup by Peterhead.  His replacements, playing duo Derek Whyte and Gerry Britton couldn't do much worse, though they did try.  Fourteen points adrift by February, the biggest surprise is that relegation wasn't confirmed until after the split.

To be fair, they were financially hamstrung at the time - even losing Stephen Craigen to Motherwell because they could pay higher wages (despite being in administration!)  The playing squad?  Aside from James Grady, who scored a spirited 15 goals, to be honest the only ones I've heard of are the ones whose careers were already winding down by this point.  Who on earth was Jean-Yves Anis?  He started more than half their league games!

Most used XI: Kenny Arthur, Jean-Yves Anis, Adrian Madaschi, Kenny Milne, Grant Murray, Derek Fleming, Jamie Mitchell, David Rowson, John-Paul McBride, Gerry Britton, James Grady



4th - 2011-12 Dunfermline Athletic
Won 5, drew 10, lost 23, scored 40, conceded 82, 25pts. Relegated with 1 game left

Jim Jefferies didn't have a clue how to keep Dunfermline up either

In hindsight, the Pars are one of the weakest sides to be promoted in recent times, and completely failed to bring in the sort of quality they needed to have a shot at survival (no, Kevin Rutkiewicz, Mark Kerr and Andrew Barrowman do not count as 'quality').  And it only got worse when keeper Paul Gallacher got injured and backup Chris Smith, surely one of the worst goalies to play at this level, got a string of matches in which to make a string of blunders.

Jim McIntyre didn't have a chance with this bunch; Jim Jefferies, who replaced him late in the season, didn't either.  Only Gallacher, loanee Jordan McMillan and Joe Cardle got another shot at SPL football.  And it's only got worse since; administration followed within a year, and last season they were closer to the bottom of League One than the top.  Only now under Allan Johnston have things turned around at East End Park.

Most used XI: Paul Gallacher, Patrick Boyle, Andy Dowie, Alex Keddie, Austin McCann, Paul Burns, Martin Hardie, Gary Mason, Joe Cardle, David Graham, Andy Kirk


3rd - 2007-08 Gretna
Won 5, drew 8, lost 25, scored 32, conceded 83, 13pts (10pt deduction for entering administration).  Relegated with 7 games left

Gretna's fairytale ended not just with relegation, but liquidation

The Gretna story was fun right up until they reached the SPL.  Brooks Mileson and his llamas, a Scottish Cup final appearance, a UEFA Cup tie.  Then manager Rowan Alexander stepped down/was forced out (depending on who you believe) in March 2007 and their run to promotion nearly collapsed under Davie Irons; the game that saw them go up, a 3-2 win on the final day of the season in Dingwall, is one of the best matches this blogger has ever been to.

The lack of reinforcements (apart from the exotic Fabian Yantorno) raised alarm bells.  So did the embarassment of Alexander turning up to try and sit in the dugout for their opening match...which had to be played at Fir Park because the club's ground wasn't up to scratch.  It soon became clear that Mileson had run out of money; there was huge squad turnover as the high earners who had taken them up the league were discarded in favour of cheap foreigners, English non-leaguers and loanees.  Remarkably, the 37 players used during the season included Kyle Naughton (now at Swansea) and Aurelien Collin, who has established himself in MLS.

The midden hit the windmill when the money ran out in February.  Irons left, with Mick Wadsworth guiding the team to the end of the season.  The club went into administration in March, making 22 players redundant.  Even if they hadn't got a ten point deduction they'd have gone down...and they'd have gone bust.  They did manage to fulfil their fixtures - and beat Hearts in the last one - and were liquidated that summer with debts of £5million.

Most used XI: Greg Fleming, Kyle Naughton, Aurelien Collin, Chris Innes, Craig Barr, Allan Jenkins, Nicky Deverdics, Gavin Skelton, Paul Murray, Fabian Yantorno, Kenny Deuchar


2nd - 2001-02 St. Johnstone
Won 5, drew 6, lost 27, scored 24, conceded 62, 21pts.  Relegated with 4 games left

Tommy Lovenkrands was Peter's older, more rubbish brother

Only two seasons earlier, Sandy Clark's St. Johnstone played Monaco in the UEFA Cup; in hindsight, he was allowed to ride that wave for far too long.  Clark was sacked in September 2001 with the side winless in their opening league games and having sold their best player, Momo Sylla, to Celtic.  Their first SPL victory under new boss Billy Stark didn't come till November, at which point they had won only two of thirty-one in the league going back to the previous December.

Whilst the defence was hardly reliable, it was up front that the Perth Saints struggled most.  Paul Hartley (before he was good) was top scorer in the league with just four goals.  The strikers - including veterans Willie Falconer, Paddy Connolly and Darren Jackson as well as wonderboy-that-never-was Keigan Parker and Peter Lovenkrands' much crappier older brother Tommy - couldn't hit a cow's backside with a banjo.

They failed to score in half their league games, and their record of 24 goals for the whole season was an SPL record until it was broken by the same team eight years later.  That one was made of stronger stuff - after years of Stark (and one nightmare campaign under John Connolly), St Johnstone rebuilt under Owen Coyle and Derek McInnes and finally returned to the top flight in 2008.

Most used XI: Alan Miller, Mark Lynch, Nick Dasovic, Grant Murray, Darren Dods, Stuart McCluskey, Paul Kane, Paul Hartley, Tommy Lovenkrands, Paddy Connolly, Willie Falconer


1st - 2005-06 Livingston
Won 4, drew 6, lost 28, scored 25. conceded 79, 18pts.  Relegated with 2 games left

Paul Lambert did rather better after leaving Livingston than the club did

Livi's collapse was almost as quick as their rise through the leagues; the 2004 League Cup winners went into administration a month before that triumph.  In 2004-05 they survived only on the final day of the season, under the leadership of Richard Gough (and with the iffy signing of Hassan Kachloul).  With neither sticking around, Paul Lambert took on the challenge in his first managerial post; he did so badly - two wins in twenty-six games!!! - that it's amazing to think that he went on to manage in the English Premier League.  His Waterloo was a 7-0 thumping at Easter Road.  Ouch.

John Robertson replaced Lambert in February but lost his first six games (Lambert had lost his last six) and the game was up shortly after the split.  Livi took just six points from their last nineteen games and managed only four league wins all season.  If you ignore Gretna's points deduction, they are, in terms of points scored, the worst team in SPL history.

As stated above, it didn't do Lambert any long term harm.  The squad that season also included Wes Hoolahan, Graham Dorrans and Robert Snodgrass, all of whom have gone on to play in England's top flight and earn international caps.

Most used XI: Roddy MacKenzie, Dave Mackay, Harald Pinxten, Greg Strong, Jason Dair, Richard Brittain, Paul Tierney, Allan Walker, Derek Adams, Wes Hoolahan, Paul Dalglish


And the teams who turned it around...
2000-01 Dundee United
5pts after 18 games, finished eleventh with 35pts

So what do you think Jim McLean did next?

This was the season of that Jim McLean interview, Alex Smith's collection of foreign has-beens and never-wheres (the three Honduran signings were later parodied on Only An Excuse as having formed a Peruvian pipeflute band after exiting).  Smith replaced Paul Sturrock only two games into the season; United had been in the top three the previous December, but collapsed since then.  Sound familiar?  Luggy had spent £200,000 on Darlington winger Neil Heaney that summer.  Who?  Exactly.

Theirs is the worst start to a season in the SPL era...yet this United team, with bastions such as Jamie Buchan, Hasney Aljofree and Jim Lauchlan, avoided the drop despite winning just once in the league before the turn of the year.  They won their last four games, which was just as well as St. Mirren, who were relegated at their expense, finished with 11 points from their last five matches.

Most used XI: Alan Combe, Hasney Aljofree, Jason De Vos, Jim Lauchlan, Danny Griffin, Jamie Buchan, David Hannah, Craig Easton, Charlie Miller, Derek Lilley, Stephen Thompson


2005-06 Dunfermline
9pts from 18 games, finished eleventh with 33pts

Getting peppered with shots at East End Park for a year did a young Allan McGregor no harm at all

Having only avoided the drop the previous year thanks to a rescue act from Jim Leishman, the Pars discovered that their own stalwart wasn't much good over the course of a whole season; they were saved by Livingston's extraordinary ineptitude and were actually fifteen points above the Lions by the end of the season.  That's not to say they were any good, though they did reach the League Cup final where they lost 3-0 to Celtic.  That was the campaign's highlight; the nadir was getting pumped by the same team 8-1 on their own ground in the league.

Incidentally, this was the most successful season of Mark Burchill's career, as he scored fifteen goals.  And the goalkeeper was one Allan McGregor, on loan for the campaign from Rangers.  It was third time unlucky the next season, as the Pars were relegated.

Most used XI: Allan McGregor, Greg Shields, Andy Tod, Scott Wilson, Greg Ross, Scott Thomson, Lee Makel, Gary Mason, Darren Young, Mark Burchill, Noel Hunt


2014-15 Ross County
10pts from 18 games, finished ninth with 44pts

The emergence of Liam Boyce as a lethal striker helped County avoid the drop

Last season's County side didn't quite look doomed by December, but only because Motherwell and St. Mirren were equally abysmal.  Jim McIntyre, who replaced Derek Adams in September, was given licence to bring in almost entirely a new squad - and by the spring he had found enough decent players (and finally managed to get his message across) that the Staggies went on a stunning run of form that kept them up with some room to spare.

Most used XI: Mark Brown, Marcus Fraser, Paul Quinn, Scott Boyd, Jamie Reckord, Michael Gardyne, Jackson Irvine, Martin Woods, Filip Kiss, Liam Boyce, Craig Curran


1999-00 Aberdeen
12pts from 18 games, finished tenth (out of ten!) with 33pts

Hicham Zerouali was a rare bright spot in Aberdeen's season

Ebbe Skovdahl arrived in the Pittodrie hotseat with plenty of fanfare...and promptly lost his first seven league games.  At least in the seventh game they actually managed to score their first goal of the campaign.  Over the course of the season, nearly £1million was spent on David Preece, Thomas Solberg, Rachid Belabed and Hicham Zerouali, whilst Arild Stavrum arrived too.  Luckily for the Dons, it was clear with months to spare that there would be no relegation due to Falkirk not meeting the SPL's new stadium criteria.

So Skovdahl was able to concentrate on rebuilding the squad and on the cup competitions - they reached the League Cup final (losing to Celtic) and the Scottish Cup final (losing to Rangers after Robbie Winters had to go in goal for 87 minutes!).  And with Stavrum, Zerouali and Skovdahl establishing themselves as cult heroes, Dons fans tend to look back on this season with surprising fondness.

Most used XI: Jim Leighton, Thomas Solberg, Russell Anderson, Jamie McAllister, Andreas Mayer, Paul Bernard, Cato Guntveit, Robbie Winters, Andy Dow, Eoin Jess, Arild Stavrum

Lawrie Spence (LS) has ranted and spouted his ill-informed opinions on Narey's Toepoker since September 2007.  He has a life outside this blog.  Honestly.