Trouble a-Brewing

At the moment I feel like a kidnapped maiden in a cheesy Hollywood movie, sending a desperate plea for help, by letter or by voice, to some improbably handsome suitor, seeking rescue.

At the moment, my message would read something along the lines of "Please, anyone, save my football club before it's too late!"

Having spent countless hours sitting through the dross on show from my side this season, I can now state categorically that, unless there is some dramatic change, we will be relegated. Period.

It's not just that we won only four home games in 2008, two of them against Gretna. It's not just the series of defeats, the rumours of infighting, the way the players' heads go down as soon as we concede a goal or the fact that our highest paid player by a distance, Andy Barrowman, couldn't find his way to goal if he had sat-nav.

It's mostly that our matches have been appalling to watch this season. Entertainment value has been nil. Imagine sitting for ninety minutes in the cold, the wind and the rain, watching paint drying on a wall, with James Blunt's latest CD playing in the background. And not only that, but someone keeps telling you that there is reason behind it all, that in the end the mindless tedium will somehow all come to a glorious fruition.

In fact, what happens, invariably, is we start with one up front (not our top scorer, or our second top scorer), then we pack the midfield, then we create no chances, then the opposition pile a few players forward, the opposition score a goal, we collapse, they usually score another, and eventually we chuck on another striker with barely enough time left for them to break sweat.

The defeat to Aberdeen last month, for example, saw three clear cut chances in the entire match. Aberdeen scored three goals. We still played 4-5-1 until the third goal went in, by which point the players decided they weren't interested in making an effort in scoring a goal.

So we are awful, and we are also boring. Football is supposed to be a form of entertainment, isn't it? I can't remember a time where it has brought me less joy than this.

I mentioned a massive change that needs to happen. Well, our manager continues to persist with tactics that never work, forwards that can't score and defenders who can't defend, while I have had countless second hand reports that the players hate him and his methods, and they are completely lacking in motivation.

Any idea what sort of change I might be thinking of?

Craig Brewster is by no means the only thing wrong with this football club. But the most likely realistic action that will give us a chance of remaining in this league is his removal, no question.

We have Hearts at Tynecastle next, followed by Celtic at home - both matches where defeats are realistic propositions anyway. So get a new man in now with a bit of the window left, with two free games to see what he has, and then try and perform a Great Escape.

And, just like the outgoing US president, I think just about anybody could do a better job.

L.