That was the Scotland lineup against Serbia. They may have lacked talent, but they made up for it with...er....oh.
I wondered whether this was the poorest Scotland XI ever for a competitive game. It might well have been. But then you take a look at some of the blokes who have managed to win international caps in the last decade or so, and even Grant Hanley's inclusion doesn't make me feel quite so nauseated.
Taking players who won their first caps from the reign of Berti Vogts onwards, this is the worst XI I could come up with. Could you do better?
GOALKEEPER - PAUL GALLACHER (7 caps, 2002-04)
It seems harsh to pick on Gallacher today, given that it's only 24 hours since he was made redundant by Dunfermline. Berti Vogts was certainly lacking in d,ecent keepers, given that Neil Sullivan seemed to be past it (though Sullivan is actually still playing at age 43 for Doncaster Rovers!), which would explain why he made a guy playing for a struggling Dundee United side his first choice. Maybe Gallacher would have gone on to fulfil his potential, but he chose to move to Norwich in 2004 and promptly found himself third choice at Carrow Road. He's now just completed his second spell at East End Park, having spent two years in between at St. Mirren where I note he actually managed to earn a recall to the national team in 2009.
RIGHT BACK - ROBBIE NEILSON (1 cap, 2006)
Yes, I'm as shocked as you are that Robbie Neilson was ever capped - I think I'd managed to repress that particular memory. A full back built more for comfort than speed, Neilson did a solid job for a decade at Hearts and won 10 under 21 caps, but a plethora of injuries ahead of a World Cup qualifier in Ukraine meant that Walter Smith needed him to start in Kiev. That 2-0 defeat was the sum total of his international career. After an unsuccessful couple of years at Leicester and a season at Dundee United marred by a stupid red card in a cup tie with Celtic, Neilson appears to have finished playing and is part of the coaching staff at Falkirk.
CENTRE BACK - GARRY KENNETH (2 caps, 2010)
I know Craig Levein had a paucity of options in central defence, but still - Garry Kenneth may have done an okay job for Levein at Tannadice, but all he could do competently was head the ball. His positional sense was dreadful and he had the turning circle of a bus. Despite that, Dundee United turned down a £500,000 offer from Blackpool in January 2010, claiming he was worth £2 million! His international debut in August 2010 against Sweden saw him up against Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Oh dear. A week and a half later, I witnessed Kenneth being ripped to shreds by Inverness striker Adam Rooney - who, let's face it, is not quite as good as Ibrahimovic - in a league game that United lost 4-0. He decided to leave the club last summer for bigger and better things - I'm not sure that Bristol Rovers in League Two was exactly what he had in mind, though.
CENTRE BACK - WARREN CUMMINGS (1 cap, 2002)
This is cheating a bit, as Cummings made his only Scotland appearance against a Hong Kong Select XI in a game which the SFA recognised as an international but FIFA did not. Legend has it that Berti Vogts knew so little about Cummings that he sent the message about his call-up to Chelsea...only to be told the player had been out on loan at West Bromwich Albion for several months. Who is Cummings? Exactly. He briefly appeared in the SPL with Dundee United in 2002-03, before spending the best part of a decade at Bournemouth in League One and League Two. He's now at AFC Wimbledon. He was damn good for me in Championship Manager 1999/00, honest.
LEFT BACK - JAMES MCEVELEY (3 caps, 2007-2008)
An England under-20 international, Liverpool-born McEveley switched allegiances and made his Scotland debut under Alex McLeish, who was desperately in need of a left-back (even at this time, Gary Naysmith was about the only decent one we had). McEveley was a regular for Derby County in the Premier League in 2007-08...which sounds good, but they were the worst side in the competition's history (and also included Scots Stephen Pearson and Kenny Miller amongst their number!). He drifted out of contention pretty quick, though Craig Levein did call him up to a squad in 2010 after he had joined Barnsley. The most interesting facts about him? He broke teammate Hakan Sukur's leg in training at Blackburn, which is not surprising considering his penchant for a robust tackle. Not only that, but his heart stopped for two minutes during an operation on a broken cheekbone in 2009; despite this, he was back playing within a month.
MIDFIELD - PETER CANERO (1 cap, 2004)
I'm sure that Killie youth team product Canero wasn't anything special as a youngster - he didn't even get an under-21 cap - but Berti Vogts capped him in a friendly against Denmark in 2004. A move to Leicester that summer (signed by Craig Levein) turned sour quickly, and whilst he established himself at Dundee United after that, he left after only a few months to try his luck in MLS. One fansite referred to him as "a waste of $142,996" as he managed only nine appearances, mostly as a substitute. To be fair, he was constantly injured and he quit football in 2006, aged only 25.
MIDFIELD - BRIAN KERR (3 caps, 2003-2004)
Maybe Brian Kerr is a nice chap outside football, but fans of his previous clubs don't have much good to say about him. Whilst he won all his caps when he was still on Newcastle's books - the fact he couldn't get in the first team didn't stop Vogts from calling up the defensive midfielder - he proved an excellent player for 4 years at Motherwell, only to ditch them for more money at Hibs. At Easter Road, he was frankly dreadful, but Terry Butcher, his boss at Fir Park, took him up to Inverness where he did a decent job on a short-term deal as the club narrowly failed to avoid relegation...only for Kerr to turn down a new deal to join Dundee, also in the first division but spending money like it was going out of fashion. We all know how well that turned out. He won the third division title with Arbroath in 2012.
MIDFIELD - MICHAEL STEWART (4 caps, 2002-2008)
If only he was half as good as he thought he was, Michael Stewart would have been better than Jim Baxter. Being once heralded as the next big thing at Manchester United inflated his ego, and it never burst. Like Kerr, Berti Vogts' desperacy led to Stewart getting in the national team long before he was playing regular first team football. He had two years at Hibs and three years at Hearts where he was decent, but nothing more - which was enough for George Burley to call him up again in 2008 -and he was club captain in his final season at Tynecastle. A subsequent move to Turkey was a disaster, and after a brief spell at Charlton Athletic he appears to have left the game.
MIDFIELD - IAN BLACK (1 cap, 2012)
We can argue plenty over whether the 'feisty' midfielder, who is remembered better for his iffy tackles as an Inverness and Hearts player than for his impressive range of passing, was good enough to play for his country. What is undisputable is that, given he had been playing for Rangers in the third division, Craig Levein should have never brought him in for a friendly with Australia. That said, it was a terrible shame to see him booed by the crowd when he came on as a sub, which deflected from a rare Scotland win. His performances for the Ibrox side this season suggest a second cap is a long, long way off.
STRIKER - CHRIS IWELUMO (4 caps, 2008-2010)
Sorry, Chris, I know you were a perfectly decent striker at club level and worth your place in the national squad as a target man option off the bench, but THAT MISS against Norway is all anyone will ever remember you for. Given that George Burley chose to bring you on instead of the on-form Kris Boyd leading to Scotland's best natural goalscorer (at the time at least) refusing to play for Burley again, it's fair to say you did a lot of damage. And thinking of THAT MISS still makes the colour drain from my face.
STRIKER - ANDY GRAY (2 caps, 2003)
When I was researching players for this blog, I realized I hadn't even heard of Gray, Harrogate-born but the nephew of former Leeds and Scotland international Eddie Gray. Turns out Berti Vogts called him up after he scored 15 goals in the second tier for Bradford in 2002-03. He scored a few goals subsequently for the likes of Sheffield United, Burnley and Charlton, and is now back at Bradford in League Two. But his impact as an international was clearly zero.
An alternative XI - Matt Gilks, Robbie Stockdale, Darren Barr, David McNamee, Jamie McAllister, Stephen Hughes, Gareth Williams, Richard Hughes, Paul Devlin, Scott Dobie, Chris Maguire
Give it a bit more time, though, and maybe Grant Hanley and George Boyd can get on this list yet...
L.
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