The referee crisis!

This ad may or may not appear in job centres near you this week...

Are you looking to supplement your income with a weekend job?

Why not become a Scottish Premier League referee?!

We are looking for men between 20 and 49 who possess the following qualities:

- An urge to spend a Saturday afternoon running around in the freezing cold

- A keenness to listen to professional sportsmen swearing, shouting and throwing tantrums when decisions go against them

- An enjoyment of the sound of up to fifty thousand supporters questioning your competence, integrity and/or sexuality

- Delight in reading quotes from football managers questioning your competence, integrity and/or sexuality (well, maybe not the last one)

- A satisfaction from knowing that giving a dubious penalty might result in verbal or physical violence being directed towards yourself, family or your property

- A willingness to find oft-repeated quips about Specsavers amusing

- An ability to look good in fluorescent yellow

The Scottish Premier League offers you the opportunity to earn a reasonable, though not substantial remuneration for ninety minutes work every weekend - uniform and whistle supplied!

Note: applications will not be accepted from those who fit the following criteria...

people who support Rangers

those who are of the Protestant faith

anyone who has cheered goals scored by any team against Celtic

anyone who has cheered goals scored by any team other than Celtic

anyone who questions the doctrine of papal infallibility

anyone who disagrees with John Reid's attitude on the Iraq invasion

anyone who is not on Neil Lennon's Christmas card list

Dougie McDonald

(just me being a little mischievous)

L.