Blast from the past for the Looney Toons

Kevin Keegan is the new manager of Newcastle United, replacing Sam Allardyce.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Sorry, I'm going to make a serious comment about this. In a minute.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

(Wipes a tear of joy from his eye)

Oh, this must be the worst idea since Rudy Giuliani's "multi-state" strategy for the Republican primaries. I know we all remember that wonderful season where Newcastle played 4-2-4, with Shearer, Ferdinand, Ginola and Gillespie, played reckless attacking football and then blew the title by signing Tino Asprilla. Therefore, basically Keegan is the reason for all the problems that his successors have had - Kenny Dalglish, Ruud Gullit, Bobby Robson, Graeme Souness, Glenn Roeder, and of course Allardyce himself. Well, apart from the fact that the others, Robson apart, were pretty inept, of course.

And, of course, it all went pear for Newcastle that season. And then the pressure got to big Kev and he quit. And that was when Newcastle were still doing pretty well. Then he managed to take Fulham up the divisions, which my grandmother would have managed with the resources thrown out him by Mr. Fayed. And then onto England. Oh dear.

I believe that it was David Mellor who said of Keegan as England manager - "He thinks tactics are a sort of mint" (or something to that effect). Stats show him to have had a lower percentage of victories than any other England boss. And, lets face it, that is no surprise if you recall the performances. Who north of the border can forget the second leg of the Euro 2000 playoff, where Kev did his best to blow a 2-0 advantage at Wembley by playing Gareth Southgate in midfield and Sol Campbell at right back, where the latter was utterly destroyed by that well known wing wizard Neil McCann, and where England were dragged through by David Seaman and Paul Scholes?

Oh, and of course, when the pressure became a bit much, he left. Recurring theme?

And then, most recently, Manchester City. When Stuart Pearce replaces you and improves things, it's a sad reflection on you, mate. Given more cash than any other City boss, he splashed 13mil on Nicolas Anelka when a time when the Frenchman was more surley than Alex Ferguson in a BBC interview. Oops. Then another 6mil on Robbie Fowler. And 5mil on that outstanding Premiership class striker Jonathan Macken. And 3.5mil on the Argentinian striker Matias Vuoso. It has to be said that he also brought in mainstays like Sylvain Distin and David James, but I honestly can't find anyone else among the gazillion signings he made who wasn't rather a waste of money. Still, this is something that Newcastle fans are used to.

So congratulations, Mike Ashley. At a time when your squad consists of a bunch of egos who haven't put in a proper 90 minutes work in months, you have decided that what they need, rather than discipline and a kick up the ass, is a ra-ra man whose most intelligent words to the press ever remain "I'd love it if we beat them, love it!"

And Kev, you thought you were under pressure the last time you managed at St. James' Park? Just give it a couple of months...

L.